I’m No Good At Being Who I Am Right Now

Who am I right now, today, at this very moment? I am a part time admin asst/janitor/bookkeeper for All Things New. I am a part time barista at Starbuck’s. I am an aunt. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a friendless friend. Oh, and I’m a Christian (the fact that I forgot to write this seems to prove my point).

All Things New: It always seems to be a burden I am carrying around on my back that I can’t seem to get off. It is always weighing me down. I never feel like I am finished with my work, like there is something looming over my shoulder. Part of it is Aubrey’s absurdly large library that I have still not managed to finish cataloging. Part of it is the historical documentation of the church that they want me to put together. Part of it is the visitor’s brochure they want me to do. Part of it is keeping up with the sermon cd’s. They are all such large tasks that I don’t seem to be able to do any of them, and I am overwhelmed. Therefore, my co-workers think I don’t do anything because I don’t have much tangible to show them for my efforts. Grrr… I hate people thinking I’m no good at what I do, even if it’s true! And I really do think that my co-workers think that I am no good at what I do and that they always have to correct me. Part of the problem is that we do things differently and they really want me to do things their way because they think my way is not as good…maybe it really isn’t as good…

Starbuck’s: mindless, just takes up time so that I don’t exercise as much and I get less done! Makes me accountable to God for more people.

Aunt, sister, daughter, friend: I live so far away from everyone that I’m missing out on their lives.

Christian: I can’t seem to discipline myself to seek God. I don’t desire the things of God. I don’t desire to pursue Him. I know that people say to pursue and then the desire will come, but I can’t even seem to get myself there right now. I don’t pray. I don’t read my Bible. I struggle with why God won’t capture my heart the way He has captured other people. He knows me and know what it would take to make me want to give Him my heart fully, so why doesn’t He do whatever that is? He touched Aubrey’s heart in a way that led him to give all and not look back. What would it take for me to be that way? Why won’t He do whatever that is? Being a Christian is hard and exhausting, and I’m finding that I’m lazy. I really am no good at being a Christian. I don’t share my faith. I’m not burdened for others. If God holds us accountable for the people we know in this life, then I am going to be a big mass of shame. The only reason He is going to take me is because He loves me. Not because I honored Him in any way. If He were human, He would consider disowning me. I guess I should be thankful that He is who He is.

Anyway, that’s my rant. Right now in life, with the roles I’ve been given to play, I suck. I would like to change my career roles, but I honestly don’t know how. I feel like a big unsuccessful nobody. Perhaps that’s good for me.

Maybe I’ll die. That would solve half of these problems. I would no longer meet people that I have to add to my list of accountability. I wouldn’t become any worse than I am already. This would be as far as I could go. Then, I wouldn’t have to worry about what I’m going to do “when I grow up”. I wouldn’t have to want to be married raising a family, but being so socially incompetent that I’m incapable of getting a man to want to ask me out on a date, let alone date me and marry me.

Okay, this blog is depressing. I need to suck it up and move on and stop wallowing in my idiocy. Perhaps, I WILL get my Masters in Education and become a teacher. Perhaps. My mom thinks it’s a good idea.

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Surely I Can Be Better Than I Am

Grrrr…that’s the response I have towards myself today. I am seriously frustrated with me. I hate conflict. I hate being wrong. I hate doing a bad job. I hate people thinking I’m wrong and doing a bad job.

So, since I started my second job at Strabucks, my other work schedule has not been as consistent as it has been in the past. I didn’t think this was a problem…yeah we can all see where this is heading… So in a week and a half, I managed to get the payroll submitted late (not really late, but there was a banking holiday and the payroll company goofed up an extra day, so we were paid two days late) causing one colleague to bounce a $900 check, then I didn’t keep a close enough eye on our finances, and turns out, we overwrote some checks (no, they aren’t going to bounce because there is money in our bank account from previously written checks that haven’t been deposited), but regardless, we overwrote. That being said, we don’t have enough money for next payroll, and for some weird reason I’m feeling responsible for that as well…but really I’m not, I spend the least amount of money and get paid the least…anyway.

Now I’m feeling inadequate for my underpaid job, and I’m in retreat mode. I just want to quit and find a job where I can actually make money and work real hours that will focus me on getting the job done. Truth be told, I know the reason why I keep screwing up: I don’t have a regular schedule, and I’m not disciplined enough to get much work done at home (instead of working right now, I’m writing on a blog that nobody reads…hello stupid girl!). I didn’t realize how dependent I am on structure until this week when I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me…why I have been letting things slip through the cracks.

Hopefully, now that I realize that I am unorganized and lacking discipline, I’ll be able to mend my wicked ways…

Be Single Can Seriously Suck

So being single and family-less can seriously suck. It makes life totally different than if you had a husband and children to look after. If you’re married, you always have someone to do things with and someone to talk with. You don’t go days, or even forever, without being able to share triumphs and heartaches. On Saturday nights, if you want to see a movie, there is someone to go with you. If you want to stay home, there is someone to talk to. If you feel depressed, there is someone to notice. If you are happy, there is someone to share the joy. Likewise, if you have children, you are never at a point of having absolutely nothing to do. Children are always there. Now this may not seem like much to complain about, but if you’ve been lonely for 28 years, you’ll understand. It seriously sucks to be home alone on a Saturday, wanting somewhere to go, wanting to go to dinner, and knowing that if you really want to do it, you will have to do it by yourself. I understand that sometimes, this is desirable, but it really would be nice to have the option of going alone, rather than being forced into it because you can’t manage to make yourself desirable to the opposite sex.

Then again, I know single people who are perfectly capable of always having people to do things with, so I’m left to draw the conclusion that I am simply a social moron, who doesn’t know how to make people want to know her.  I do not have a personality that is exciting or magnetic.  And so, I am again, left to make do with who I am. Take it or leave it, but please don’t get depressed because you can’t change it and even your own sister thinks you’re a social douche bag.

Why?

I don’t know why I started a blog. I don’t read it. I don’t write in it. It’s not interesting. It really is a waste of everyone’s time.

The Question of the Day.

So the question of the day is: do I accept one of the fitness instructors at the gym as a friend on facebook? Hmmm….

I really don’t know the answer to this question. For all you extroverts out there, this is probably a no brainer. But for me, the classic introvert, this poses a dilemma. If I add him, he will know me better and I will have to deal with knowing a new person, but not really knowing a new person. When I post things about being sore or not wanting to exercise, he will see that too. But many people meet people through people, and it never really hurts to know new people. Knowing people never killed anyone. If I don”t add him, nothing gained, nothing lost. Dilemmas dilemmas… Having written this, I see how stupid and illogical I make things sometimes!

Moving on…

BodyPump makes me sore.

So for the past several months, I’ve been doing this group fitness class called BodyPump. In a nutshell, it’s a low impact weight lifting class choreographed to music. It’s hard.

I do feel privileged because we actually have male athletes for instructors (verses the many places that have out of shape female instructors). But this leads to a harder class which leads to a sorer Allison.

Now, I measure my success of a class in whether or not I am able to do every rep of every set. Have I ever been 100% successful? As long as there are tricep pushups, dips, and/or an extended amount of lunges, then the answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! HA! But it is fun to see this girl I met who every time we have pushups, we just kind of look at each other and laugh and make some offhand comment about how great they are!

So will I keep doing it? Yes, until I find a good enough excuse not to! I haven’t committed to RPM (a spin class) yet because it tends to hurt my knees and it is really really really really really really hard for me. But, I do swim regularly (when I’m not on this stupid medicine that makes me fell nauseous all the time).

So, exercises in Allison Land will continue until further notice.

Eye Twitch.

So for the past 3 days, I’ve had a perpetual twitch in my left eye.  Not too big of a deal except that it reminds me of the time I had an eye twitch for over a month. It was about a year ago when I was still doing restaurant management. I can see the light going off for some people…one of those moments when you completely understand what the other person is talking about. But for those of you unfamiliar with the industry, and those of you who think you get it, but you really don’t, I will explain why I had a month long eye twitch.

So let’s back up even a year further (two years ago). All was well in our little neck of the restaurant industry. Our management team had six people, which was the biggest in the company, but that just made life a little less stressful for us (except we were also expected to have the best operating store because of this, but that’s another story another time). It was me (26 at this time) with 5 other fellas (31, 36, 40, 41, 43 years old). It was fun! I really enjoyed working with these guys. I didn’t mind be the youngest and only female, we had a blast. On Tuesdays (the day we were all there and stayed late for inventory), J and I would cook.  It might be brownies, cookies, real food, anything. With so many managers there, we had to entertain ourselves somehow…and this became our ritual.

Of course good things never last and when it rains, it tends to pour. Well one day, F (who hated his job and should have never become a manager in the first place) decided he had enough. So he quit. Like that. No biggy…we still had 5 managers.

About a month later, our area director comes into the store and asks when C, our general manager, is going to be there. Well C had called earlier and told me he was going to be about 20 mins late. Usually not a big deal, but today, it really ticked off our area director. So 20 minutes late, C comes in, and the AD takes him to the back room. 15 minutes later, C walks out of the restaurant and the AD asks me and J to come into the back room.  He tells us that he has let C go for stealing money, asks if we know anything about it (which we really don’t), and now we’re down to 4 managers.

About a month later, my sister and I are planning this cool bonfire out at our parent’s house. We’ve invited a lot of people over. I’m excited because I haven’t really been able to do much in the past 2 years I’ve worked for the restaurant. Then I get a call from A (the asst general manager) telling me J is in jail. WTH!?! I go to work. We figure out how we’re going to cover his shifts. I’m praying he will make bond and come to work so I can go to my own party. He doesn’t. Grrrrrr. Days pass. Weeks pass. No J. We’re down to 3 managers. (By the way, he was in jail for about a year–I have no idea why)

So this is around Thanksgiving. Through February, this is the busiest time of the year for us. We have a lot of large parties, and people just tend to eat out more. So you would think, we would just hire more managers. Makes sense. It takes about 7 months before we get anyone (yes the AD was fired for this). By this time, it takes everything I have just to get myself to work. But I think things are looking up. Of course, this new manager quits within about two months.

So, the eye twitch.  Let me tell you what my regular schedule looked like when it started:

Weds 2- Close (about 12:00am)

Thurs 3- Close (12 am)

Fri – Off

Sat 11 – Close (1:00am)

Sun – Off

Mon 7:00am – 5:00pm

Tues 11- Inventory (about 1:00 am)

This was about 56 hours a week. Most of which was worked by myself with hourly employees helping me pull food in the kitchen. It was hard. Especially when the responsible young people who tend to work in restaurants would decide not to come to work. Like the time that I was working the Monday 7 -5 shift and I was the only manager in the morning, so my job included putting away our large bi-weekly shipment of everything (very physically demanding), getting the kitchen set up (we had a rule that hourly employees couldn’t clock in until 9:00am, so the manager had to get everything started) and I had food poisoning…it was probably one of the most miserable experiences of my life. But to make it even better, I was short servers on the floor, and then one of them had the nerve to call me and tell me he wasn’t going to make it in because he was hung over from the night before! I guess he thought honesty was the best policy—WRONG!!! I don’t know why I couldn’t have sympathy for him…I was only short handed, the only manager there, and thinking I was going to die! Gotta love servers!

So, when they say that stress can cause eye twitches…it’s true! I had no disillusions about why I was always miserable.  All I can say is that for the past year (since I quit the restaurant), I have only been making 12,000/year working PT, and I don’t regret it one iota!