I’m No Good At Being Who I Am Right Now

Who am I right now, today, at this very moment? I am a part time admin asst/janitor/bookkeeper for All Things New. I am a part time barista at Starbuck’s. I am an aunt. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a friendless friend. Oh, and I’m a Christian (the fact that I forgot to write this seems to prove my point).

All Things New: It always seems to be a burden I am carrying around on my back that I can’t seem to get off. It is always weighing me down. I never feel like I am finished with my work, like there is something looming over my shoulder. Part of it is Aubrey’s absurdly large library that I have still not managed to finish cataloging. Part of it is the historical documentation of the church that they want me to put together. Part of it is the visitor’s brochure they want me to do. Part of it is keeping up with the sermon cd’s. They are all such large tasks that I don’t seem to be able to do any of them, and I am overwhelmed. Therefore, my co-workers think I don’t do anything because I don’t have much tangible to show them for my efforts. Grrr… I hate people thinking I’m no good at what I do, even if it’s true! And I really do think that my co-workers think that I am no good at what I do and that they always have to correct me. Part of the problem is that we do things differently and they really want me to do things their way because they think my way is not as good…maybe it really isn’t as good…

Starbuck’s: mindless, just takes up time so that I don’t exercise as much and I get less done! Makes me accountable to God for more people.

Aunt, sister, daughter, friend: I live so far away from everyone that I’m missing out on their lives.

Christian: I can’t seem to discipline myself to seek God. I don’t desire the things of God. I don’t desire to pursue Him. I know that people say to pursue and then the desire will come, but I can’t even seem to get myself there right now. I don’t pray. I don’t read my Bible. I struggle with why God won’t capture my heart the way He has captured other people. He knows me and know what it would take to make me want to give Him my heart fully, so why doesn’t He do whatever that is? He touched Aubrey’s heart in a way that led him to give all and not look back. What would it take for me to be that way? Why won’t He do whatever that is? Being a Christian is hard and exhausting, and I’m finding that I’m lazy. I really am no good at being a Christian. I don’t share my faith. I’m not burdened for others. If God holds us accountable for the people we know in this life, then I am going to be a big mass of shame. The only reason He is going to take me is because He loves me. Not because I honored Him in any way. If He were human, He would consider disowning me. I guess I should be thankful that He is who He is.

Anyway, that’s my rant. Right now in life, with the roles I’ve been given to play, I suck. I would like to change my career roles, but I honestly don’t know how. I feel like a big unsuccessful nobody. Perhaps that’s good for me.

Maybe I’ll die. That would solve half of these problems. I would no longer meet people that I have to add to my list of accountability. I wouldn’t become any worse than I am already. This would be as far as I could go. Then, I wouldn’t have to worry about what I’m going to do “when I grow up”. I wouldn’t have to want to be married raising a family, but being so socially incompetent that I’m incapable of getting a man to want to ask me out on a date, let alone date me and marry me.

Okay, this blog is depressing. I need to suck it up and move on and stop wallowing in my idiocy. Perhaps, I WILL get my Masters in Education and become a teacher. Perhaps. My mom thinks it’s a good idea.

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